Seeking Patience

To parents who have or have had six and seven-year-olds, do you find yourself frequently frustrated, or is it just me?  

As I sit at Starbucks and watch a mom loading her 18-month son in the car, she playfully lifts him high in the air for a smile, kisses him and repeats.  I reminisce on the relationship I had with Koa when he was that age – the playfulness, silliness, tenderness – it was pure love.  Any wrongdoing was seen as a teachable moment.  Patience was of abundance, relatively speaking.  Same with my relationship with Kalea (10.5 months). Although she’s an easy-going baby, she’s BUSY and a little demanding. Still, patience comes fairly naturally since she’s so new.   

I miss that with Koa.  As I reflect on this morning (and most mornings this week), my own voice echoes in my mind, a stream of directions, increasing in volume and irritation with each repetition. As each of my requests to Koa is either partially completed or ignored altogether, I find my internal teapot heating up.  The eraser that’s sat on the floor under that table since yesterday (morning?) is now ON the table, which I guess is progress toward the drawer in which it should reside. He was so distracted this morning by wanting to show Auntie Randi the boomerang (a mold covered, partially rotted wooden boomerang he found in the woods yesterday, mind you) that was locked in the car, he left several responsibilities unfinished. He repeatedly came into my bathroom while I was brushing my teeth and trying to get ready to leave the house, asking if I could unlock the car.  By the time we had to leave, his blanket from his bed was still on the couch, the blanket from the couch was still in the middle of the kitchen floor, his bedroom and closet lights were left on, and that damned eraser was still on the kitchen table.  At that point my teapot was at a full boil.  Needless to say, it was a firm no about showing Randi the trash-a-rang. 

We’ve tried responsibility charts, targeting challenge areas, recognizing the positives, and allowing him to earn time on virtual reality or Nintendo Switch.  We’ve tried giving three strikes for things like listening the first time with the result of no screen time or no dessert. I know consistency is key and that’s what I need to do better on, but I find myself so flabbergasted that I need to even have certain conversations with him, that it’s hard to stay focused on the system. 

With a seven-year-old, it’s hard to find the balance between teachable moments and WTF moments, the you’re-still-learning-and-of-course-you-don’t-know-this versus the where-is-your-common-sense moments.  He can remember obscure facts about animals, read at a fourth-grade level, and do difficult math, but routing the laptop cord around a chair or getting the water to come out of the shower head versus the bath faucet (which he’s done several times before) are nearly insurmountable tasks.  The shower situation happened this morning while I was trying to nurse Kalea.  I had to tell myself to be encouraging and that I need to remind Koa to exhibit perseverance.  I’m trying to teach him not to give up anytime anything is remotely challenging.  “I can’t help you right now because I’m feeding your sister. Go keep trying until it works.” Guess what? He figured it out.  

I’m tired of feeling frustrated...every...day.  I’ll be reminding myself to take deep breaths and focus on the end result – raising a self-reliant person who is confident in his abilities, and who knows his parents love him and believe in his success.  I’ll try to keep in mind the little blond curly haired boy who stole my heart, shared constant silliness and giggles with me before he was struck with moodiness and sass. He’s still curious, loves learning, and loves to laugh.  He still loves being tickled and chased. He still loves playing together on the trampoline or outside in the cul-de-sac. I need to find ways to infuse our relationship with more moments of joy, while not letting him get out of his responsibilities.   

Parenting is hard and wonderful.  Every age has its blessings and its new challenges. With every new phase, I question if behaviors are a phase or permanent. Am I the only one with experiences like this?  Will this get better?