Extra Grace Required
As I’m not a huge churchgoer or a very good Christian (although I do consider myself a Christian), I can’t say I’m very adept at giving or receiving grace. My dear life-example friend who I mentioned in yesterday’s post introduced me to the term “extra-grace-required” (EGR to those in the know) to describe the folks in our lives who, well, we must give more grace in order to prevent our own head from exploding. You know who I’m talking about. At least one of the people on your list is bound to be a family member. I think the idea is to view the EGR person’s flaws with perspective of the greater quality that motivates the flaw and to view the person through the lens of God’s love. Or maybe its just to be forgiving of the the flaws of others since it’s not our humanly role to judge.
As aforementioned, I suck at this. Recently I tried to keep the idea of grace in my mind while with one of my EGR peeps. It didn’t work, and I found myself becoming increasingly frustrated with every deep breath and smile-and-nod. This frustration caused me to reflect on other EGR relationships in my life, and I noticed that I have an unusually large number of these people in my life. And this caused me to look inward. Why do some people annoy me so deeply and what is it about me that causes me to have so many EGRs?
It’s the silence. The smile-and-nod. It’s taxing to feel as though I must suppress my true thoughts and emotions in order to keep a relationship. I would feel so much better about the EGR and myself if I didn’t fear being abandoned for saying what’s on my mind. I hope to one day be able to overcome the part of me that is afraid of abandonment and be able to honor myself. Everything from the mundane, like putting in my two cents on what restaurant to visit, to the thoughts on ethics that I keep to myself such as, “That [racist, sexist, homophobic, weightism , etc.] comment is extremely insensitive and I find it offensive.” This becomes a cycle because the EGR has no way of knowing my true thoughts, so therefore their behavior doesn’t change, which I silently resent, and they remain on my list.
Awareness of my role in the EGR relationship is the first step. Practicing honest communication with people whom I feel safe is the second. Maybe eventually after decades of practice I will know and love myself enough to trust my thoughts and emotions. Until then I guess I’ll have to put myself at the top of my own EGR list. My friend says we all have someone in our lives for whom we are the extra-grace-required person. May you be given grace, by others and yourself.
As aforementioned, I suck at this. Recently I tried to keep the idea of grace in my mind while with one of my EGR peeps. It didn’t work, and I found myself becoming increasingly frustrated with every deep breath and smile-and-nod. This frustration caused me to reflect on other EGR relationships in my life, and I noticed that I have an unusually large number of these people in my life. And this caused me to look inward. Why do some people annoy me so deeply and what is it about me that causes me to have so many EGRs?
It’s the silence. The smile-and-nod. It’s taxing to feel as though I must suppress my true thoughts and emotions in order to keep a relationship. I would feel so much better about the EGR and myself if I didn’t fear being abandoned for saying what’s on my mind. I hope to one day be able to overcome the part of me that is afraid of abandonment and be able to honor myself. Everything from the mundane, like putting in my two cents on what restaurant to visit, to the thoughts on ethics that I keep to myself such as, “That [racist, sexist, homophobic, weightism , etc.] comment is extremely insensitive and I find it offensive.” This becomes a cycle because the EGR has no way of knowing my true thoughts, so therefore their behavior doesn’t change, which I silently resent, and they remain on my list.
Awareness of my role in the EGR relationship is the first step. Practicing honest communication with people whom I feel safe is the second. Maybe eventually after decades of practice I will know and love myself enough to trust my thoughts and emotions. Until then I guess I’ll have to put myself at the top of my own EGR list. My friend says we all have someone in our lives for whom we are the extra-grace-required person. May you be given grace, by others and yourself.
The epic battle...giving ourselves permission to be who we are...that our truth has equal value. I resonated with the silence, the smile and nod and the fear of abandonment if we choose to be real. I think your statement that we have to put ourselves at the top of our own EGR list is so true and so hard. Thanks for writing about this with honesty and with your wonderful sense of humor.
ReplyDeleteI find it easier to give extra grace to others when I remember 1) that I am on someone ELSE'S extra grace list and 2) that it isn't my place to judge or condemn I merely have an opinion.
ReplyDeleteI have found that my list of acquaintances has dwindled as my smile-and-nod has dwindled. As I intentionally have honest communication with others, I see who is a true friend and who I can feel safe with. That number is small.
Just some free-floating thoughts. It's always nice to know you made someone think and reflect.
Love, Jill